At a GCPC choir rehearsal Wednesday night, it occurred to me that my depression has lessened. When this happens, I feel more energetic and alive. I haven’t been able to connect much on any sermons preached lately but I was especially moved by Mark Ramsey’s sermon this past Sunday. I read the sermon again yesterday. One really needs to listen to a sermon rather than read it and I wish I hadn’t lost the notes I took on Sunday, for reading it didn’t stimulate my spirit as much as hearing it did.
Mark began by saying, “The God we come to know through scripture creates promises, delivers, commands, and leads.” A few weeks ago, I would have scoffed at these words and said “Yea, right. What do you know about my life? I’m the one living it and I don’t feel God’s Spirit at ALL.” However on Sunday, I had a different feeling. “Okay, he says God delivers and leads. Even though I’m not sure right now, I’ll hope a little longer.”
Interspersed with stories, he asked over and over again, “What are you certain of?” I’m certain that God is calling me (as God calls everyone) to some sort of ministry. I don’t know what that is and when I sink into darkness I have to keep reminding myself that “God makes a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19)
I thought about Walter Brueggemann’s comments on the Psalms. He wrote in a 1984 commentary that scholars have discussed how the Psalms are organized around three different themes: Psalms of Orientation (see Psalm 145, 104, 8 for examples), Psalms of Disorientation (Psalm 74, 86, 35), and Psalms of New Orientation (Psalm 30,138, 96). Sometimes the Psalm will go through a couple of different themes as Psalm 13 does below.
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I bear pain in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exacted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God! Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, And my enemy will say, “I have prevailed”; My foes will rejoice because I am shaken.”
“How long must I live this way”, are my own thoughts. “Why can’t I remember people’s names? Why do I become cognitively overloaded so frequently? Why do I have to ‘rest my brain’ all the time? It’s not FAIR!” This is when I am in the darkness.
However, in the next few verses, the Psalmist has a shift in perspective:
“But I trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
It isn’t clear what happened. I suspect the Psalmist went through the darkness for a long time. I bet she felt sorry for herself and felt defeated. I suspect she almost gave up but somehow, she trusted in God’s Spirit and things changed. When this happened, she is able to again, sing God’s praises.
When I’m in the dark places, I read these Psalms to remind myself things will get better. That’s what happened this time. I am certain that God creates promises, delivers commands, and leads me through the wilderness. Even in the darkness, I am certain. I have to repeat this to myself over and over and over and over again. But I am certain.