I turn 65 in October, and it has put me in a rather pensive mood.  Most of my life is over and I’d like to find a way to use what is left for good. Wendell Berry passed away recently, and many Facebook friends have posted some of his poetry as a tribute to him.  I found the following poem very meaningful, and I posted it on Facebook.

It may be that when we no longer know what to do

we have come to our real work

and when we no longer know which way to go,

we have begun our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

I don’t know what to do and according to Berry, I have come to my real work.  I think my real work for now is to look back and remember.  

The most interesting thing I did was playing in an accordion/violin duo called “Bellows and Bows.” Kevin, the accordionist, was a world class performer and had played all over the world.  Our regular job or “gig” as we called it, was playing for breakfast and lunch at the Hyatt Regency coffee shop.  We played pop tunes mostly but threw in some light classics like the William Tell Overture.  We also played in the main restaurant’s Sunday buffet

When I graduated from college with my master’s degree in violin performance, I struggled a bit with what to do.  I had a full load of private violin and viola students and was doing plenty of freelance work.  I played weddings, church services, parties or whatever I got paid to do.  I was happy doing the work but longed for something more permanent like orchestral work.  I was assistant concertmaster of the St. Joseph Symphony which was interesting, but I didn’t particularly enjoy the 1 ½ hour drive from Kansas City to St. Joseph, MO every Thursday night (or whatever nights the rehearsals were).

There was a little pond with a bridge over it and that’s where we stood – smack in the middle of the restaurant. It was funny watching folks’ reaction when they came into the coffee shop for breakfast.  I don’t know about them, but the last thing I would want to hear as I ate my eggs and drank my orange juice would be a violin/accordion duo! Some of them pointed and smiled while others sat down at their tables and listened to us. I’ve always had problems with memory when I performed, and this gig was no different.  Well, it was a little different because Kevin had perfect pitch and whenever I lost the tune, he would just follow along.  No one sipping their coffee even knew. 

I remember when we played, Kevin and I would spend our breaks talking some about the future and what we were hoping for.  I look back on it now and I’m sorry I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have.  I was too worried about what the future held.

I find Wendall Berry’s poem very helpful.  I may not know what to do but I do know what I don’t want to do.  I’ve made mistakes in my life worrying about what the future holds.  This time, at 65, I’m going to see the future as a journey just as Barry said in his poem.  To 65!