Yesterday was a red-letter day!  I started to see a little glimmer shine through my darkness.  It is surprising since it happened on the coldest day of the year so far and I HATE cold weather.  I’m trying to get hold of that little glimmer and make it grow.  I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to do this even though I have surgery on my hand scheduled next week.

Last Sunday was the last day of the church year called “Reign of Christ Sunday.” I saw the glimmer when I was in church.  I remember the exact moment although nothing special happened.  I was sitting with the choir and looked up out the window on the side of the sanctuary and there was the glimmer.  I felt warm inside and knew my depression would lift soon.  Just like that: a little light in the darkness

The lectionary passage was Luke 23:33-43 where Jesus is on the cross.   It is a bit strange that this passage falls here in the lectionary. In her sermon Kristy Farber, told the story about the architect of one church’s sanctuary. The pastor said, “We don’t want any crosses on the church… We don’t want anybody to think failure and weakness.  Why would we want a symbol of a man slumped dead on a cross after his few friends have gotten out of dodge?”

I do.  I actually like these kinds of stories.

Sometimes I need to remember that Jesus went through great pain and understands mine.  I need to remember that he survived and even thrived and I can do the same.    I need to remember that he understands what I feel even if it seems no one else does.  Somehow I will rise above whatever is getting me down just as he did.

As Kristy preached, I couldn’t help thinking about that painting of Jesus

(pictute left) after the resurrection where Jesus looked small and weak.  I love that painting.  That’s an image of the God I worship – a God who understands when I’m in darkness. This is a God who sees my vulnerability and lets me know its okay.  Too often in our world we have to appear strong, as if we have it all together.

I have written this before but I don’t believe for a minute that my accident was God’s will.  God didn’t allow it to happen so I could learn something.  Instead, God is taking what happened to me and helping me live a fuller, more complete life.  God is showing me how to use my weakness to comfort and help make others stronger.

Often I think about the question, “what if?”  What if my accident never happened?  What would I be doing and where would I be living today?  Thinking these questions, however, is a waste of time.  I can’t change what happened.  I can only move forward with this new reality.  Even after all these years, this reality gets me down.  I see folks doing what I want to do but cannot and then I feel sad.  However, there is a tiny glimmer of light.  My plan is to hang on to that glimmer, grieve what I have lost and move forward.

Sometimes I wish life was a simple process.  I would travel along, hit a bump and then there is smooth sailing.  However, for better or for worse, I’m a sensitive person.  This means I tend to feel all the bumps and they never go away and that’s okay.  I hope I never get to the point where I don’t feel them for life would not be nearly as rich if I stopped feeling those bumps.   That’s what I like about both of the pictures above especially the one after the Resurrection.  Jesus went through a whole lot of bumps and he never forgot them.  God never forgets me when I’m in the darkness.  Someday, there will be light.