In all these years since my brain injury there have been phases where I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other because I want my old life back. When I’m in one of these phases everything looks bleak and I have difficulty pushing myself to do anything but read the New York Times, drink coffee, and feel sorry for myself. I have been in this phase for a couple of months now and my creativity is gone completely. This is why I haven’t written in this blog for a long time.
However, yesterday a couple of sentences from Mark’s sermon at Grace Covenant Presbyterian affected me. He used Luke 20:27-40 the story of the Sadducees asking Jesus a question about the resurrection. He spoke about how we have questions about the resurrection but they always seem to be about us. “What’s going to happen to us, Will we know each other? Will we be like we are now? Will I still have to wear glasses?” He suggests the “resurrection is really not about us at all. Resurrection is really about God.”
Yes it is. When I look back on these past 16 years, I see how God has worked in my life. Being able to serve as a volunteer chaplain at the retirement center in Atlanta was a real gift but I had to try other things before finding it. My move here to Asheville has been good for me but it wasn’t easy to have to adjust to a whole new environment. Plus, things aren’t easy now.
Mark also said, “You can’t explain the resurrection. The resurrection explains us.” My therapist pointed out to me that I’ve been in places like this before. The key right now is to focus on things that feel good and quit worrying about what I am going to do with my life. This is a challenge for me because I see so many folks who are doing so many neat things for God and I feel frustrated about finding some way to serve with my limitations.
Two other issues are bothering me as well. I must wear my eye patch more frequently now due to my double vision and I’m going to see my hand surgeon in Charlotte tomorrow. I have Thumb Basal Joint Osteoarthritis and it seems to be getting worse which means I may need surgery. Below is a picture of a rainbow around Warren Wilson College that my friend Julie Lehman took. She saw it while driving to her job at the college so she pulled off the road and took a picture of it on her camera phone.
Rainbows always help me have hope which is why I included it here. Yes, I’m depressed and fed up with my eye and my hand. Yes, I’m mad I can’t drive at night and I’m sick of always having to get a ride. Yes, I’m tired and sometimes want to quit figuring out how I can serve God in this world and simply stay home and read the New York Times. However, looking at this rainbow reminds me to keep trying.
The resurrection is not about me even though I’m feeling pretty down just now. I want to remember the resurrection is about God and the power hope has.
There was a quote printed in the bulletin Sunday by St. Francis de Sales. “Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either God will shield you from suffering, or God will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imagination, and say continually; ‘The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart has trusted in God and I am helped. God is not only with me…but in me…and I in God.”