Today is the first day I’ve felt well since Dec. 24 and its Epiphany. In addition to Pentecost, Epiphany is my favorite day of the church year so 2015 is starting out right. I really don’t have any words of wisdom to impart on this day but I feel so much better, I decided to write even if I have nothing to say!
I did have a disturbing dream last night although now I’m pretty sure it’s mainly because I have felt so bad for the past three weeks. I was attending some sort of conference on Ponce de Leon Street in Atlanta and folks from different parts of my life were there. I didn’t know them but it was clear they were participants in my life.
I remember there were three or four seminaries all in different cities but they were all located in Atlanta. At one point, we got on a bus to go to dinner in a park outside. We were crammed in but I was sitting by myself. When we arrived at the park, the meal wasn’t organized well and the line was long. I looked for vegetarian items by squeezing between people in the line so I could look at each dish. I had no luck and ended up getting a plate of tortillas and cheese.
I then couldn’t find a chair and after searching and searching, I ended up kneeling on the floor. I woke up so I don’t know what happened next. I think I dreamt this because I’ve been feeling separated from the world lately since I haven’t been able to do anything. I also remember feeling terribly alone while those around me were busy doing things which is often how I feel.
It also showed my frustration with my life for I have to work so much harder than everyone else to do much less. I’m also aware that most folks don’t understand my challenges and how hard it can be sometimes to simply do anything. Knowing it is a brain injury issue doesn’t make it any easier. I’m glad I had the dream though, because it’s one way I can express my feelings that is nonthreatening and not annoying to folks who don’t really understand traumatic brain injury.
While swimming at the Y this morning, I saw this bumper sticker which expressed exactly how I felt at the time. I thought about Sparky and how he is always wagging his tail and is happy most of the time. I know it’s a fine line to pretend you’re happy when you’re really not but I have a tendency to only see the dark side of things. I need to remember to always look for the light even when I feel bad inside.
I have felt bad these past three weeks but now I’m ready to begin this New Year. I wonder where the star will lead me?