I’ve been putting off writing this post by checking Facebook, drinking coffee, walking Chip and a whole lot of other things.  I’m feeling several emotions at once and I don’t really want to think about them. After putting my violin up for sale at a shop in Raleigh, it finally sold. I feel relief, grief, and sadness all at the same time.

Grief is a complicated emotion. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. A former neurologist of mine viewed grief as a coil. One experiences the same emotions over and over again – just a little bit less than before.

That’s how I view grief. There are more than just five stages.  I think I’ll always be sad that I can’t play anymore due to physical issues with my left hand. It will always hurt to watch and hear others play. This means I’ll never get to pure acceptance – in Kubler-Ross’s terms – and that’s okay.

I spent so many years practicing, performing, and trying to improve. Playing brought me to a place I can’t really explain. It was a little like being in the presence of God. Getting to that place is difficult when I sing because I don’t have the technique I had when I played. This brings me back to the violin.  I loved playing and feeling as if I was in God’s hands. Despite my grief and sadness, I am relieved that it sold. Now I just must hope that my Viola sells as well!