Every now and then, an entire worship service affects me which happened yesterday at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church. My morning began with a choir rehearsal before the service where we practiced our introit. Brain Injury Survivors often do not do well with change so a different routine was difficult for me. Normally, I don’t process in with the choir in order to have some time alone “resting by brain” but I wanted to process this time. I knew this meant getting cognitively overloaded sooner but figured it was worth it.
To complicate it even more, the choir sat in a different arrangement. Yesterday we sang an introit which I wanted to sing so I tried to “rest my brain” waiting with the choir in the narthex. I didn’t use my ear plugs but instead sat down on a bench and closed my eyes which blocks visual stimulation. The noise was too much though so I plugged my ears with my fingers. I probably looked silly but I’ve stopped caring what people think.
This picture was on the front of the bulletin and this quote by Flannery O’Connor has always been one of my favorites. Sitting in the narthex, with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears certainly must have looked odd! I couldn’t remember where I was supposed to stand to process in but others guided me so I ended up in the right place. It was so much fun, singing the introit standing in the side aisles and finishing it in the choir loft.
Of course all the extra stimulation and change made the remaining neurons in my brain work harder so I became “cognitively overloaded.” I knew if I didn’t want to have to leave without talking to anyone after the service, I’d have to leave before it was finished. The back, unobtrusive, way was not accessible to me so I ended up having to get up and walk down the side of the Sanctuary during the offering.
I then found a quiet place where I could put in my ear plugs and rest my brain for a while. Sometimes dealing with these cognitive stimulation issues is a real pain. However, if I want to be involved in things, I must use these “compensatory strategies” even if they’re a nuisance.
I also connected to Kristy and Mark’s sermon although probably not in the way others did. They’re in the midst of doing a sermon series on the gifts of the Spirit in Philippians 2:1-13 and yesterday they did a dialog sermon about “self-control.” I have always had control issues for I LIKE being able to control things in my life. For a while after my TBI, I tried to do some of what I’d done before but it wore me out. I ended up having to rest for days to make up for my cognitive overload.
However, having a brain injury has shown me that I don’t have control. In fact, this is something those of us who have disabilities can help the rest of the world understand. Often folks try and pretend that everything is okay in their life. Folks with disabilities cannot do this. We must be honest about our limitations and ask for help. For a time, I did try and hide my limitations but I paid the price by breaking down for days. Although brain injury survivors are not alike and many cannot do what I’m able to do this doesn’t mean I’m “better” than others. It just means I have different challenges.
Mark and Kristy talked about how we’re trying to control our bodies by dieting, getting rid of bad habits and developing new routines. We try to bring order to our lives but they said, “We can do all the emptying and de-cluttering we want but unless something meaningful fills that space, we will spend our whole lives sweeping and putting things in order.”
I thought about my own life and how I’ve been trying to control my limitations. The thing is, they cannot be controlled and managed. I can work around them though which I am trying to do. I’m also trying to accept what my life is never going to be. This is hard but I don’t want to spend the remainder of my days pushing and pushing for control. I want to learn to accept what is.
This truth will make me odd and that’s okay.