It’s second nature for me to always put myself down. I try not to for I know I have quite a few things to offer the world but I do it anyway. Someone once asked me if I put myself down now more after my brain injury than before. I wanted to answer “yes” because it seems to take so much more time and energy for me to do anything now but I had to be honest. Putting myself down is a life-long habit I want to break. I do get better every year so perhaps by the time I’m 60, I will have stopped.
I thought about this a couple of weeks ago when Kristy Farber preached at Grace Covenant Presbyterian. Her sermon was on Mark 16:1-8 but it especially addressed verse 8 where Mark describes the women fleeing the tomb “in terror and amazement.” It was a good sermon about how we live between these two poles each day.
Kristy’s sermons have improved these past few years. I love that she now tells more stories in them and I enjoy reading her sources. However, when I watch her I sometimes become sad and think, “What if my accident had never happened? Where would I be now?” I imagine myself being a pastor somewhere in an urban setting. After 20 years, my preaching, pastoral and administrative skills would have improved. Who knows what I would be doing?
After indulging in these thoughts for a while though, I always come out it. Yes, it is important for me to grieve for what could have been but I don’t want to get stuck there. If I stay on that pole I’ll miss seeing all I’ve gained from the other one. I do like who I’ve become although I’m never going to stop growing – and I’m NEVER going to believe everything I think!