Mark and Kristy lead a class on the Resurrection stories and art at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church (GCPC). In the first session, they laid out 15 paintings depicting the Resurrection in art. We were asked to look through them selecting the ones that drew us in. I saw glorious images of Jesus ascending into heaven but none of them really struck me until I saw one by Michael Ciry, pictured on the left. Someone commented that this Jesus looked like he just came out of concentration camp. I think I was the only one drawn to that painting. I could relate to that Jesus because that Jesus knows exactly how I feel.
I’ve taken on too many things again this week. They’re not stressful but my perfectionism makes them more difficult then they need to be. I worry about them which uses up too many of the neurons in my brain. This in turn stresses me out and I’m miserable. I try and spread commitments out but it didn’t work this time.
It doesn’t have to be this way which is one reason I agreed to do everything. I want to practice dealing with the stress. When I led worship all the time, I was a perfectionist. Every word had to be just the right one and I was careful not to forget a word or trip as I walked to the pulpit. I didn’t have the challenges of too much stimulation which is now part of everything I do. Worrying only adds to the stimulation.
As a TBI survivor, I cannot be a perfectionist and I can’t worry about what people think. For instance tomorrow I’m going to lead communion at Circle of Mercy (COM). When I lead, it is simple and certainly not nearly as “preachy” as others who lead. But this is how I do it. Some people might like it, others won’t but that’s okay.
I’ve said the words of institution hundreds of times but due to my brain injury, my memory can’t be trusted and sometimes I forget simple things. I worry this will happen but you know what? The sacrament doesn’t depend on me so if I mess it up, it doesn’t matter! I need to say this to myself a million times. (Since the Alliance of Baptists , one of COM’s two denominations, does not view communion as a sacrament, I’ve had to think more carefully about what communion means to me.)
On Good Friday at GCPC, nine different leaders are leading 20 minutes on the Last Words of Christ. Again, my perfectionism is getting in the way. I’m a good speaker but I worry about forgetting the words. I also compare myself to others. I printed the words out in very large print double spaced to help me with this. In all the times I’ve spoken since my TBI, I haven’t lost my place or fumbled on my words. My eye contact isn’t great now because I have to look at my words more but this is the way I now am. I think my words will help folks reflect on the day plus they are fun to preach. I’m trying to remember that some people may relate and others may not.
So this Holy Week, I’m going to try not to be such a protectionist! I’ll see how this works.