I read a quote from Susan B. Anthony today. “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.” I really hope that I am following what God wants me to do and not only what I want.
It bothers me that I can no longer work as a minister but I still try to serve God as I can. I used to be able to keep so much information in my head! I was always running from one meeting to another and trying to be involved in many things. Neurons in my brain were destroyed when I had my car accident and the neurons I have left, must work harder so being busy like that is no longer possible.
In fact things that most folks don’t even think about are difficult for me. Luncheons, meetings and driving somewhere new involves quite a bit of my brain function. I have to attend to conversations while filtering out background noise and lights which really is more complicated than I realized. For this reason, I don’t do meetings or luncheons unless I believe they are absolutely necessary.
Now it is a major thing when I go somewhere new. This past week, there was a luncheon at a country club I really wanted to attend. My husband Michael is really good with directions and I often rely on him for these. I know it drives him crazy when I ask him for directions all the time so I’ve tried to depend on my GPS or even ask other people. I also keep a folder with all my directions in it so I check this as well.
However sometimes my own worries get in the way of my good sense. That’s what happened this week. To make it worse, Michael had a stressful week so he didn’t have much patience. I was frantically trying to find a map (It doesn’t take much for me to get frantic anymore!) and so I asked him. He became angry at me and then I lost it. I slammed our front door as I went outside to his car to find it. I slammed the car door after I located it and for good measure, I slammed the door coming in. I can laugh at it now but it really was childish. I have discovered that I seem to do more childish things now than before sustaining my brain injury.
While overwhelming, I really feel the things I did this week were what God wanted me to do. I know it pushed my limits and I plan to take it easy for a few days. I pray that God will give me the wisdom to know if my thoughts are true or if I’m really fulfilling my own desires.